Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
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Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
This kid is a star!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].