Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
You Might Also Like
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My work here is don’t.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house