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this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Hot hot hot 🥵
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call