Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
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I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.