Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Natty or not?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD