Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
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“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
no refunds
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.