[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I have a type: disappointing
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.