ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
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Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
The symmetry is uncanny.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”