[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
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What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up