He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
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The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”