If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
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Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
eating my hot dog hamburger style
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill