[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Just as the prophecy foretold
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Florida man