him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Cardio Made Easy
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]