WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
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i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*