Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
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There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
the only bumper sticker ill allow
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My purse is deeper than some people.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
*3.5 thank you very much.