looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
You Might Also Like
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
good work, everybody
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Awwwww shit.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet