TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
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boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.