My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
smartest karate player in the world