There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
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Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing