Do not steal food from the science building!
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Legend 🤣🤣
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus