[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
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How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Hitlers gonna hitl
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home