Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
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My blood type is b hungry.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Hot hot hot 🥵
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.