@DanielRCarrillo Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
@mellimelle Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
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@DanielRCarrillo 
@GrantTanaka wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
@TheTweetOfGod What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
@StupiDucker My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
@DrunjAF A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
@dhanisthavenus After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
@david8hughes [me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
@UncleDuke1969 “Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
@Prero22 Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
@basic_afbitch Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are