People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system