People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
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Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Cannot stop laughing at this
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second