my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
This is amazing.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends