When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
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Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY