“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
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[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?