[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.![]()
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Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
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Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy