This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons