[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
incredible
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer