@bornmiserable

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

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@CulturedRuffian

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

@TheCatWhisprer

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

@blade_funner

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

@SirEviscerate

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

@NolaChef504

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

@MsLisaM

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

@thegoodgodabove

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

@sarahschauer

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no