Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.