Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
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my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I’m not stressed
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.