you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
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can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out