Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
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It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Worst Native American name ever.
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“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.