Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
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Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.