I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
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John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me: