So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
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the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord