Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
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im 7 sauces long
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.