Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
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Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
no their not
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦