the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
You Might Also Like
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
*pokes sex life with a stick
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.