Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
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[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.