My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
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Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.