Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
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Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Pickled cat.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names