me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Just got to our Airbnb!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry