Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
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Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Twitter fine art
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
work smarter, not harder
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are