Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
A Short Story.