Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
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I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
What the dentist sees
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
we’re gonna need another temp
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
August 8
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.