her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
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Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.