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Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
LA today:
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.