Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
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5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow