It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
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Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
This is I, Robot all over again
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Mornin. * use accordingly
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.