Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
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Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
#inspiration #foodforthought
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Listen if vampires don鈥檛 age or whatever then why aren鈥檛 there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 馃檪
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you鈥檝e got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 馃き
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he鈥檚 now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you鈥檙e a terrible person.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we鈥檙e out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Friends don鈥檛 tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.