Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”